Seth here.
I figured since I don't have a blog (and I'm not about to start one) that I'd hijack Karla's blog for this post. I've done it before and I'll do it again. :p
I spent an awful lot of time writing an email to Ashley tonight and I figured it could save an awful lot of questions in the very near future. She decided to stay on her mission even though she knew her mom would be passing away soon. I told her that the family would write down their experience of mom's passing so that she could experience and know what had happened even though she's not here. This is my explanation of that experience (with a little added in here and there). I'm not going to fancy it up because it's 2am and I'm sure it would end up looking like I was on a psychedelic acid trip.
As Karla has said before on her blog .. read it or don't. It was a very good experience writing it.
Love you all.
Seth
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Ashley,
I asked everyone in the family to spend some time journaling their experience and then to send those experiences to you. I was worried that I might forget some things that have happened today and also that perhaps you might want more than just my perspective. It's late but I hope they'll take the time to provide you with this experience since you couldn't be here. I'll also do my best to recall everything that I can.
I understand and have great respect for your decision to stay in the mission. I know that what you said this morning was true, that there are specific people in Canada that need to bring the Gospel to. I'm encouraged by your testimony of that and your willingness to sacrifice this personal experience for their eternal well being. Like I told you on the phone this morning, because you sought the Lord's counsel and direction in this decision and you felt good about the decision I don't think you'll ever feel any regret. I know there will be times of sorrow and sadness but that was bound to happen anyway. In those times you can take comfort knowing that you did what the Lord wanted you to do and stand tall in that decision for the rest of eternity.
My sister shared an experience with me of a friend of her's that works at the Church Office with her. A relative of her's was serving her mission and her father passed away. She made the same decision that you did and stayed on her mission. She said that she had several days on her mission when she could feel her father's presence and could even hear his voice in her head directing and guiding her. I know that can happen for you and that because of your selfless Christlike act you'll be blessed with experiences like that of your own.
Karla has had a very rough night last night and then today. She felt bad that she didn't write to you and asked me to let you know that she loves you and that she will write down her experience and feelings at some point in order to share them with you.
Also, we did take a lot of pictures throughout mom's passing. They were from my sister's camera and so they're not the greatest but they're plenty good enough to let you see how many people were with her when she passed and how they felt. I've had to downsize and lower the quality a little in order to make them manageable in a few emails. Those will come shortly after this email.
I'll start with last night and explain our kids experience with Mom. After the meeting yesterday Karla and I decided it would be best if the kids said their goodbyes last night. Up until this point they haven't been allowed into the ICU because kids under the age of 14 aren't allowed. They've been wondering and worried and wishing they could see grandma. My parents had picked them up from school and my sister Jennifer was at our house with them. We went there to let the kids know what the decision was and my sister and my parents helped a great deal in giving hugs and consoling the kids. They took the news pretty well because we have been telling them that this might happen.
I also explained to them about the priesthood blessing that I had given to mom about her communicating with her Savior. I told them that my feeling is that mom was with her Savior shortly after her surgery and that mom was given the option to either stay there in Heaven with her Savior or that she could come back to say goodbye. It's my feeling part of choosing to come back would be that we would have to make this difficult decision. However, because she had already expressed her wishes to Dad, Leslie, and Karla (and perhaps other siblings) that she trusted us to make the right decision. I then think she decided to come back. Also, I think it was important that we took the extra week so that all of your siblings could come to the same conclusion on their own. I think it was a miracle that they were able to do that and that they are all at peace with the decision. I explained all of this to the kids and I bore my testimony of temples and eternal families and that I knew we would see mom again someday and that she would be able to hear their voices and speak to them clearly.
We went to the hospital and had to wait our turn to see mom. Rana and her kids were finishing up. Troy and Liza had already been in with their kids and Cora was on the way. When we did get our turn we went in with the kids and had explained to them that Grandma doesn't keep her eyes open too long because she's so tired. So we used a stool to stand them right in mom's vision. Each child had the chance to have mom look at them. Then they signed their own name sign, signed I love you, waved goodbye, and gave her a hug. All four kids only took about five minutes.
At that point a few of them started to say that they wanted to leave. None of them had really cried very much. I felt like they didn't realize exactly what was going on. I told them that if they wanted to talk with grandma more and give hugs and hold her hand that they could do that. I explained also that this was the last time that they would see her alive. They started to realize and then came the tears. They stayed for another 15 minutes and held her hands and gave her hugs. It was a difficult moment for me. I had already found peace with the situation a weeks ago, but watching my kids experience this sorrow was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I know it's good for them to have the chance to be able to say goodbye but it tore my heart to pieces. Truman and Dannan were both too short to really give mom a good hug. So I had to hold them both up superman style in order for them to really be able to give her a hug. It was a very tender mercy of the Lord that mom both survived the surgery and then woke up in order to allow us to say goodbye.
This morning right after we got off of the phone with you we called Rana at the house in order to inform Dad of your decision. We found out that we were supposed to be at the hospital at 9am. We hadn't known that and determined that Troy didn't know about it either. There have been some miscommunications along the way (as likely happens when people are under stress) but we've been able to get things sorted out. In any case, we went to the hospital. There were already a lot of people there. Dad, Rana, Allen, Grandma, Grandpa, Lonnie, Joyce, Annette, Kip and Cassie. The rest of the family showed up shortly after except for Liza. When I had called Troy to let him know I think my phone call woke him up. He only had 20 minutes to get from his home to the hospital. Liza stayed behind for a bit in order to get the kids ready and then take them to your parent's house. Annette went there in order to take care of Troy's children.
Liza arrived around 11am. Everyone had been taking time to visit mom individually and say their last goodbyes. That was difficult. Even though I had been ready for this for some time it was still difficult. Karla and I were alone with mom for several minutes. We held mom's hands and kissed her on the cheek. She didn't wake up much but when she did we told her that we loved her. After only a few minutes Karla said that she was ready but I told her I wasn't. She stayed with me while I cried and cried with your mom. I love her so much and even though she's not "my mom" she's the second best thing. I think it's funny how people say that "my mom is the best in the world." I think that's a very individual statement because obviously every mom in the world can't be "the best." I'll say that my own mother is the best mother in the world "for me personally," and that your mother is the next best thing. While we had this time alone Karla did explain to her that you had decided to stay and serve the people of Canada but that you loved her very much. Your mom watched as Karla explained this and had a distinct look of peace when seeing it. I know she understands your decision and is happy that you made it.
Last night while the family was talking my sister Janice (who is a nurse) called me and offered to be there with us today in order to explain things that might be confusing or that we might be wondering about. I told dad about the offer and he said he would think about it. This morning he told me that he would like her to be there. She came down immediately at about 9:30 and stayed the whole day until Karla and I left later around 5. She's been through this a few times and so she knows what to expect. She also knows the various signs and how to interpret what the monitors are telling us. It was really great to have my own sister there for my own emotional support but everyone in the family expressed their gratitude to both her and me for her being there. She really was great and answered a lot of questions. Additionally, that meant that we didn't have to keep bothering the regular nurse for questions like this but we could ask her since she was in the room with us the whole time. I told my kids last night that I've been blessed with two amazing families in my life. I told them that they're lucky to have so many grandparents and aunts and uncles on both sides of their families to be able to support them. My twin sisters truly have both been a giant help in this experience.
Jeff Bourn was the interpreter that was at the hospital. He was really good. He was very patient and stayed the whole day. He was in the room the whole time and while we were sharing experiences he interpreted everything. Even though technically he is there to interpret for the doctors and nurses he stayed even when they weren't in the room just to interpret for the family. For a moment he stepped out of his role as interpreter and shared an experience her remembered of mom.
Once everyone had had their chance to say their goodbyes we all went in the room for a priesthood blessing. You dad said the blessing and assisting him in the circle were myself, Allen, Josh, Sloan, and Grandpa. Your dad's blessing was beautiful. I don't remember much of the specifics but he did release her spirit to go and dwell in Heaven. He let her know that because of the many things she did in her life that there were tons of people that she had helped and effected for the good. Also he blessed her with comfort and not to have pain during her passing. There were many tears shed and the spirit was very strong in the room. The spirit was very strong the whole day.
Once the blessing was finished the doctor came in and explained what would happen next. They would remove the breathing tube and the feeding tube. He re-iterated that we really didn't have any idea how long it might take for her to pass. It could be minutes and it could be days. He explained that as they could tell that she might be uncomfortable or anxious they would give her both a pain medicine and an anti-anxiety medication. It was a comfort to know that dad's blessing said that she wouldn't feel pain.
There were no questions for the doctor and so the respiratory therapist came in to remove the tubes. The normal nurse had warned us that watching the removal of the tubes can be difficult to see and so maybe we would want to step out of the room. My sister did mention that there's a tiny possibility that mom could choke during the removal and if that happened mom could pass very quickly. We all decided to stay in the room and honestly it really wasn't bad. The respiratory therapist was done and gone in a matter of minutes. My sister Janice noticed the time at 11:25.
Our big hope was that mom would pass relatively quickly. We wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable for too long but especially not for days. My sister explained to us that what will eventually happen is that her blood oxygen would slowly decrease. As that happened her heartbeat would increase. The heart beats faster in an attempt to make up for the lungs not fully functioning. As her heart beat faster and she doesn't get enough oxygen she would eventually slip into a coma like state. After some time her heart rate would drop to around 40 or so and then shortly after she would pass away. She did explain that this was how most people in this situation would pass and that it could be slightly differently.
At first after they removed the breathing tube mom's blood oxygen stayed around 90. It's a measurement from between 0 and 100. 100 is completely well and 0 means your blood has no oxygen in it. Janice was worried at this point because normally it's lower and sometimes when it's higher the patient can last overnight or even for days. About half an hour later we were relieved when mom had slowly dropped into about the 70s and 80s. I don't mean to sound like it was good that her body was failing, but rather it was good because it's a sign that she's trending downward and she likely won't have to be like this for too long.
She continued to slowly progress downward in her blood oxygen and slowly increase in her heart rate just like had been explained to us. Dad suggested that at this time we should share some of our thoughts and memories about mom. Allen recorded much of these experiences on his cell phone and so I'm sure at some point we can get that to you. It seemed like everyone took their turns. Some were emotional, some were happy and funny, some were of lessons that mom had taught by example. All were wonderful.
I'll share the experience with you that I shared with the family. When Karla and I first got engaged mom really wasn't happy about it. I think it was because I would be taking her daughter away from her. I was okay with her not being happy (and I still am). I understood that perhaps this was difficult for her especially because it was her first child to get engaged. Even after we were married mom still hadn't really come around to liking me. One day we were at the house for dinner and everyone was talking to someone except me. Your dad was talking to Reid and all the others were talking to each other. I decided I'd go and clean the stove top because some things had spilled on it during cooking. I started to clean and your mom noticed. She came into the kitchen and without saying anything to me got out the special stove cleaner and gave it to me and walked away. I spent about 45 minutes meticulously cleaning the stove. By the end of the night she was saying what a great husband I was. I do think though that perhaps it was because about that same time Rana had become engaged and maybe mom had found someone new to be upset with. Everyone laughed at that.
What I'll share with you now that I'm thinking about it again (but didn't really occur to me earlier today) is that the stove cleaning experience was really a turning point for me in learning to love mom. It's not like I had to "learn" it like that but with all the bad feelings she had toward me it was a little difficult to forgive. After all I'm a great guy... short, fat, and lazy... but a great guy. :) I look back to that point about how quickly she got over any bad feelings she had toward me. I'm grateful that she was able to get over those feelings so quickly and accept me into the family. Cora then shared that it was probably not that she disliked me but rather she really liked Adam who Karla had dated before and wanted Karla to marry him. Either way it was nice to have her accept me so quickly. There were many other thoughts that were shared that could easily make a book full of short stories.
Shortly after they removed the breathing tube she seemed to be trying too hard to breath. She also seemed to be very uncomfortable. We could see on her face that she was grimacing and didn't like having breathing so hard. We asked the nurse to give her the medication which she did. It definitely helped mom to calm down. Her face calmed down and her breathing because more steady and easy. We asked the nurse several more times throughout the day to provide medication which she did. My sister Janice would often go out without us asking and let the nurse know that mom was showing signs of discomfort. I feel like your mom truly didn't suffer pain. Discomfort and sadness for sure but not pain.
Mom woke up several times during the first 2.5 hours or so. Most of the time she just rested but when she did wake up whoever was in front of her vision would tell her that the whole family was with her and that it was okay for her to go to heaven. We reminded her several times that we would all be ok. The last 1.5 hours mom didn't open her eyes. I'm guessing that at some point around the 2.5 hour mark she went into the coma like state we were told about. Rana shared with us that mom's partiarchal blessing had said that when she died her family would be around her and it has truly come to pass.
At around 2.5 hours my sister reminded me that nobody had eaten lunch and that we should consider eating. We went to ask the nurse about that. The nurse (who works in situations like this often) said that we were probably ok to eat as long as we didn't leave the hospital. She said that she didn't think mom would pass in the next half hour. If mom's condition worsened suddenly she would come and find us. Often times during the last 2.5 weeks the doctors and nurses would ask us if we were taking care of ourselves and eating and such. We came back in the room and made the suggestion and everyone agreed that we all needed to go and eat. All of us except for Leslie and Carol left to go find food. Most of the family went to the cafe they have on the first level. Karla, Janice, and I went to the cafeteria they have on the third level and brought our food back to the waiting room. We didn't have to rush back or anything and were able to eat and relax a bit outside of mom's room.
When we all came back in mom's condition has continued to trend downward like we expected. Her blood oxygen was now constantly in the 30s and her heart rate was between 120 and 130 beats per minutes. Rana felt impressed that dad needed to come back soon and there was a little bit of a panic as we couldn't find him in the hospital. Allen eventually found him in the third floor cafeteria and they came back. The last hour was a bit of a roller coaster. Mom's vital signs didn't go exactly like my sister had said but they were close. Her heart rate dropped into the 60s and 70s and her oxygen monitor started to read poorly. Janice said that means that the blood profusions (pumping) weren't reaching her toe that the monitor was on. We assumed that this would be her time to pass. However, after some time mom's heart rate went back into the 120s and 130s. My sister said that sometimes this happens and it's really the heart's last effort to do what it can to keep the body alive. Mom has a healthy heart but her lungs couldn't do their work. The heart can't do it all but it will try.
Throughout the whole time dad stayed back and let others sit next to mom and hold her hands. Rana let him know how selfless she thought that was and how much courage it must have took to let his children and others have their time to grieve. I think it's because dad has known from only two days after the surgery that this time would come. He had the foresight and revelation to accept God's will that early on. He really was fantastic throughout the whole thing, I know that he was hurting and did come close to the foot of the bed a few times to hold mom's leg but otherwise he sat back. We even offered to him several times to come and take our seats but he would tell us that we could stay where we were.
The final moments were especially difficult. Mom's heart rate dropped into the 40s for about two minutes, and then to about 25 for another few minutes. We all knew what to expect at this point because Janice had warned us and had been explaining as we went. We were watching the monitor as mom's heart beat less than every two seconds. And then the monitor simply stopped showing any signs. It beeped once (they had turned off all the normal alarms) and we knew that she was gone. I looked at the clock and it showed 3:35. Mom had endured for four hours and ten minutes. She hadn't suffered. Janice said that in some cases right at the end the body tries really hard to breath and it can be difficult to watch and hear. That didn't happen. She passed peacefully.
There was a lot of crying and hugging. The family sobbed openly. Your dad had a really hard time with it and cried loudly like he does. Cora and Karla cried and cried. Rana and Ashlynn handled it quite well (that's not to say that they weren't sad and crying some but they seemed strong and courageous). My sister and I remarked later at how serene Rana's face was and that we could feel her testimony of the Gospel through her calmness. A few minutes later she did cry onto Allen's shoulder for several minutes. In fact, she sobbed. It's a good reminder that the Gospel doesn't promise that it will be easy but that it will be worth it. Grandma and Grandpa cried. Grandma said, "She's just a child," and sobbed. Everyone in the room cried including my sister Janice. We all spent time hugging each other and kissing mom's hands and head.
Troy cried a lot as did I (well everyone did). After she had passed I went to her side and held my head next to hers. I had seen Troy do it and wondered if I would regret not being physically close to her. I had held her hands but hadn't been close to her more than holding hands. I bawled and bawled. Troy was on her other side and he reached across and gently patted my back and consoled me. I spent a good two minutes next to her crying and crying. I'm so happy that I did. It was very theraputic to be that close to her and just let my emotions out. The social worker had explained that each of us will eventually need to let our emotions out and that when the time comes we should let it happen. When I cry that hard I hold my breath and only breath about every ten seconds otherwise I'll shake and I didn't want to disturb her even though she had passed. I had to wipe tears from my cheeks several times to keep them from falling onto her beautiful face. I'm happy that I had that moment.
The nurse came in maybe 2-3 minutes after the monitor indicated she had passed. My sister told us that the nurse must confirm death with a stethescope. Often times after death the heart will beat every now and again. The nurse turned off the monitor and listened with her stethescope. She didn't say anything but she didn't need to. We all knew. Karla thanked her and then gave her a big hug. Her name is Kris and she's been mom's nurse several times. She was truly great. Even she cried a bit when Karla hugged her. She explained to us that we could take as long as we wanted. Then after that they would remove the wires and other non-support tubes, give her a sponge bath, change her hospital gown and the be sheets and then let us come back in for as long as we want. Most of us took at least ten more minutes. Then we slowly one by one or two by two left the room.
There's this outdoor balcony at the hospital just down the hall from where mom's room is. All of us eventually congregated out there. It was such a great spring day here in Provo. The balcony faces south and so the sun was shining in. I took a moment by myself to stand at the railing and thank my Heavenly Father that he came and took your mother as quickly as he did. I had my eyes closed and felt the sun on my face and chest. I felt God's love embrace me as the warmth of the sun warmed my body. I took several deep breaths of fresh air to calm my still somewhat shuddering breaths and knew that the veil was thin as I was being comforted by angels. I prayed to Heavenly Father that he would take care of mom and that he would allow her to check in on us from time to time. As I prayed Allen came over to me and put his arm around me. He said in a choked up voice, "I hope you know that I love you ... so much. And that I have for a very long time. I'm sorry to interrupt your solace but I felt like I should tell you that." I responded, "I've known for a very long time that you love me and I've loved you for just as long. Don't ever worry that your interrupting to tell me that."
He left me alone again and I realized just how much family relationships mean in the Gospel. Allen and I would likely have never crossed paths if we hadn't married into the same family. And yet here we are like brothers from birth. It's a testament to me that we're all God's children and are truly all brothers and sisters of our Heavenly Father's family. It was another tender mercy that I have been feeling so much of lately.
As we waited for the rest of the family to come out we discussed the many miracles that we have witnessed and been recipients of. The miracle that mom survived cardiac arrest twice during the surgery. My sister says that most patients are very lucky to survive once. That we were given such a knowledgeable team of doctors and nurses and that they were also so caring and sympathetic. That dad was able to receive the revelation that he did so early on and have peace through the past few weeks. That mom was allowed to make the decision to come back to say goodbye. That your family is in agreement with this decision and that all were allowed the time to come that conclusion on their own. That mom didn't spend days in passing but instead spent just enough time for us to have made these memories that we'll cherish forever. That we were all at peace after her passing. That there were so many people that were praying for us. The list goes on and on. The song "Count Your Blessings" comes to mind.
At this point my sister Jennifer (who was at my parents house with our kids) had informed us that our kids were on edge. They weren't wanting to watch movies or play games because they were wondering and asking questions about what was happening. Karla and I knew that we would need to go and tell them. I worried about how they might behave upon hearing about Grandma dying. We said our goodbyes and planned to meet back at the house by seven to start discussing funeral arrangements. Karla and I went back in the room to get our things and Karla put mom's ring on her finger. Karla had quite a surprised a few nights ago when Ashlynn explained that mom had told Ashlynn that Karla would get her ring when she died. Karla had no idea and has been so grateful for that. Rana explained to us that dad was happy to see the ring on mom's finger but that he didn't want anything to happen to it between now and the funeral so he took it off and brought it home.
We went to my parents house and with both my twin sisters (Jan and Jen) explained to the kids about how grandma had died. It went very well. I had expected it to be very difficult. The kids understood because of how we have been preparing them. We hugged each other and they then started saying they were hungry. Probably a good sign that they're handling it well for now. I'm sure there's still plenty of grieving in our future but I know we're going to be able to handle it together as a family.
We started posting to facebook about what had happened and you wouldn't believe the flood of support that came. The Tomkinson Family private facebook page had many posts of comfort and love and support. And our own personal pages had 70, 80, 90 posts of condolences. Another miracle that we have so many people that love and care about us. Like I've mentioned before, it's an interesting dynamic that technology allows us to communicate so fast. It also allows others to provide their support and express their sadness for us just as quickly. Only ten years ago we would've waited weeks to hear some of their kinds words.
We all came back to the house around 7 in order to start discussing the funeral arrangements. For now we have a good high level plan in place. The funeral will take place on Tuesday. We wanted Monday but we would've had to give the city warning by today at noon and we couldn't have because mom didn't pass until 3:35. Everyone was able to express their desires for the funeral and we already have the basic program lined up. My sister Jennifer is going to help us with the arranging and printing of the actual programs because they cost so much to have the funeral home do it. Once I have that I'll send you a copy in an email. We also discussed how we'd like to be able to record the funeral service (as well as the viewing and graveside) so that you can participate. Karla talked to Bishop Stringham about that and he's going to find out if that's ok considering a lot of the service will be in sign language. Normally video filming in a chapel is a no-no but I think we'll be able to get permission. If we don't we'll certainly record it on audio at least so that you can hear it. Also Liza's sister will be around during the day of the funeral to take some candid pictures so that we can remember that day.
For now all of the kids and in-laws will be giving talks. We feel like it will be better to have many short 4-5 minute talks that it will to have only two or three really long ones. There will be one special musical number by anyone in the immediate family (including the grandkids). We'll sing "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" because it talks so much about all of God's creations. And we discussed how much mom loved the earth and the things that God has created. Rana will sign the song for the deaf congregation. Grandpa Tomkinson will give the family prayer and Grandpa Rusch will dedicate the grave. Leslie and Reid will give the prayers for the service in the chapel. Karla will lead the music and Rana will lead the signing. My sister Michelle will be the organist and play the accompaniment. The opening hymn will be "How Gentle God's Commands" and the closing "Be Still My Soul." I think it's going to be a great service.
Tomorrow we're going to the cemetery early to find a good spot for mom and dad. Reid and Leslie also asked to find two spots for them right next to mom and dad. The Orem cemetery is mostly full except the three sections near 8th East. There's one segment on the South side of the cemetery near where the Murdock canal used to be. It's still there but it's been covered by a utility road. There's a long line of trees there that should provide shade most of the year round and there's a lot of spots available along that whole section. We should be able to find something that's just what we want.
Then in the afternoon a few of us (dad, troy, me, others) will go to the funeral home to finalize the details. Hopefully we'll be able to sort everything out by then and then we can simply relax until Tuesday. All of us are planning on attending church with your dad in the deaf ward on Sunday. We feel like we need to be there for him since he's been there for us so much in our lives.
At this point I'm still in a tiny bit of shock. Maybe that's not the right word but it's the whole "I can't believe this is happening to me" feeling. These kinds of things happen to people that I sort of know but not to me. It's truly been a challenge but it has also been a blessing. I'm sure that over the next few days the reality of it will set in and I'll begin my long trek of becoming accustomed to it. I think that it will take months or years for me to really let it sink in. And I think that's ok. I wouldn't want it to become routine or normal too fast. I want to grieve for your mom, for Karla, for your family, for my kids, and even for myself. I'm sure that's healthy and normal and for once in my life I want to be normal. :)
I'm sorry if this is too long but I really just wanted to make sure that you had a good picture of this experience. I'm very pleased with your decision to stay and bring the Gospel to the people of Canada. I just hope that we can do a good job of making sure that you know how this day has been.
I know that my Savior lives. I know that He died for all mankind to bring about the immortality and eternal life of all of us. I know that because of His resurrection mom will live again. I know that she'll have perfect hearing and will be able to speak perfectly as well. I know that because of His atonement we can be forgiven of our sins and be cleansed and return to live with our Heavenly Father again. I know that because of the temple and the ordinances we receive therein that we'll be able to be together as a family for eternity. All of this knowledge brings me peace at this time. I'm proud of your decision to serve a mission and now to stay in the mission field. I know it will be hard. Karla mentioned just today how when you were set apart you were told this would be one of the hardest trials you would have in your life. I know that you've encountered at least a part of that trial (if not the majority of it) and that you've come through victorious. I know that you'll be an amazing missionary and that you will bring the light of the Gospel into many lives and hearts. I know that your sacrifice of missing your mother's passing and funeral will ultimately bring about eternal joy and happiness in the lives of those whom you will serve. The family loves you. They all support you in this decision and like I said on the phone not one of them is disappointed in you or your decision.
With love, your eternal brother,
Seth
