So today I wasn't feeling to well. Threw up a few times due to stress. I do not feel stressed but I know my body is. My hair is falling out, I've lost weight (the only plus to all of this), and I keep having things escape my body in a very vigorous manner. My post-op is okay. I mean I would much rather talk about my mom. So here we go.
My mom is a born and bread country girl. Which is funny. Because she loves beauty in things. Like photos, painted pictures, a nice house. But through and through she was a daddy and country girl. She was born in Nebraska to her mother and father who were born and raised there. She was two months late weighing in at 10 lbs. With long nails and a cute face. But my grandma says she wasn't a pretty baby because of the nail scratches she had on there. p.s. IF I EVER HAD TO GO TWO MONTHS OVER I WOULD BREAK MY OWN WATER. OK sorry just had to put that in there. Totes to my grandmother doing that. She was also born with an older brother and sister. She was also born deaf. That in itself was hard on her. I know she had longed to hear laughter, jokes, and other hearing perks. BUT she lived with it and with it she went and did great things. She had a love of the arts. She LOVED to paint, make things and be crafty. She could make a old pile of cow pies look pretty if she really wanted too. She was a great seamstress and a person with a heart made of gold.
She was also accident prone. If I remember correctly she had cut herself multiple times and had stitches, her sister slammed her hand into one of those old Oldsmobile cars made of metal. As she got older and she worked she got hurt a lot. One of the worst ones I think is that she was working for Frame Works. And she was cutting glass. They had this huge cutter that would slide down the glass and cut it. Well my mom decided that her hand was far enough away that she didn't have to worry about it. And bam next thing she knew she was back at her friends the ER. Poor mom. She didn't just hurt herself at work. Home, outings. I mean I could go on and on about how many times she had injured herself and lived.
We always had people in and out of the house. Friends, family, family who don't talk to her anymore. She is really amazing. I hope I can be as amazing as she was. Now I guess you're all saying "Why does she says mom is in the past" Well my friends. My mom had a stroke. And when that happens things go bad. Her right brain stem and her right celebrarim (pardon the crappy spelling) are damaged. What we know now will be her life forever. And that is hard. Because my mom never wanted to be this way. I'm going to be candid and very open about my feelings. If you are upset with what I have to say I want to apologize but it is the truth.
Here we go. So her brain is damaged. I hate it. I hate seeing my mom so frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED. I cannot begin to describe how miserable she is. Her right side has some function. She tries so hard to sign with her right hand. But she can't. She has been able to move it to her chest and back. Progress which is great! I mean miracles never amazing me enough. Her lungs are clear and her mind is very sharp. But she cannot speak. She has this way of talking with her eyes. But we have to go through a whole list of things before they are known. Now for her left. NOTHING! She can feel touch. But that is all. She can't sit up, she can't eat, she has a ventilator that helps her breath. She NEVER wanted to be like this. She told me and I know my Aunt for sure that if this were to happen to let her go. NOT to hold on. Because what kind of life would it be. Physical help daily. Bathroom help, cleaning help, staring at a ceiling all day every day for years till the time is come to go home. That could be years. My mom is a stubborn woman.
Man I feel like nothing makes sense on this. Oh well thoughts are coming MUST continue. Now has come to the time where she is upset she is still in the hospital on a ventilator, confined to a bed. Is that what she is going to be forever now? For my dad, aunt and I we want to respect her wishes. We would love to send her "home" to be happy, free from pain, sorrows and with a greater respect for life. Now LOL I mean I really, really would love for her left side to work and bam be my mom again. But now, this woman I see, that i visit. Isn't my mom. I mean it is but it isn't and it KILLS me. I mean really who wants to be like that. I for one DO NOT! If I ever have this type of thing done show this to Seth and tell him dang it. Tell your families now what you want done. Tell them how you feel while you are sane, cognitive, honest. Get a living will. Discuss it with your families. I mean EVERYONE! Because right now, right now I am the bad guy among my siblings even my Grandmother that I so dearly love won't talk to me. MY GRANDMOTHER! I love my Grandma and this is just another kick while I am down. Yes I am mad that this happened to my mom. But I am also so proud of her. She has to be one amazing spirit to be here now. But I know she wants to go back. I KNOW this. It is not "well that is what you think." NO I K N O W this.
To my siblings. I love you. I will ALWAYS be here when you need me too. I told mom that if she is ready I am ready to be here for her place. I will do what she would do for anyone. Sick, healthy, sad, happy, babies, cleaning, help, love anything. I'm ready are you? Are you ready to let her be at peace? Honestly when someone is like this ask yourself. How would I be? Would I want to go peacefully? Or would I fight to be here so I can sit and stare at a window, TV, ceiling forever? I do not. I know she does not. I plead with you. Have a softer heart. A heart like moms. I love you.
OK Im done. I cannot even see the dang screen.
My mom is a born and bread country girl. Which is funny. Because she loves beauty in things. Like photos, painted pictures, a nice house. But through and through she was a daddy and country girl. She was born in Nebraska to her mother and father who were born and raised there. She was two months late weighing in at 10 lbs. With long nails and a cute face. But my grandma says she wasn't a pretty baby because of the nail scratches she had on there. p.s. IF I EVER HAD TO GO TWO MONTHS OVER I WOULD BREAK MY OWN WATER. OK sorry just had to put that in there. Totes to my grandmother doing that. She was also born with an older brother and sister. She was also born deaf. That in itself was hard on her. I know she had longed to hear laughter, jokes, and other hearing perks. BUT she lived with it and with it she went and did great things. She had a love of the arts. She LOVED to paint, make things and be crafty. She could make a old pile of cow pies look pretty if she really wanted too. She was a great seamstress and a person with a heart made of gold.
She was also accident prone. If I remember correctly she had cut herself multiple times and had stitches, her sister slammed her hand into one of those old Oldsmobile cars made of metal. As she got older and she worked she got hurt a lot. One of the worst ones I think is that she was working for Frame Works. And she was cutting glass. They had this huge cutter that would slide down the glass and cut it. Well my mom decided that her hand was far enough away that she didn't have to worry about it. And bam next thing she knew she was back at her friends the ER. Poor mom. She didn't just hurt herself at work. Home, outings. I mean I could go on and on about how many times she had injured herself and lived.
We always had people in and out of the house. Friends, family, family who don't talk to her anymore. She is really amazing. I hope I can be as amazing as she was. Now I guess you're all saying "Why does she says mom is in the past" Well my friends. My mom had a stroke. And when that happens things go bad. Her right brain stem and her right celebrarim (pardon the crappy spelling) are damaged. What we know now will be her life forever. And that is hard. Because my mom never wanted to be this way. I'm going to be candid and very open about my feelings. If you are upset with what I have to say I want to apologize but it is the truth.
Here we go. So her brain is damaged. I hate it. I hate seeing my mom so frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED. I cannot begin to describe how miserable she is. Her right side has some function. She tries so hard to sign with her right hand. But she can't. She has been able to move it to her chest and back. Progress which is great! I mean miracles never amazing me enough. Her lungs are clear and her mind is very sharp. But she cannot speak. She has this way of talking with her eyes. But we have to go through a whole list of things before they are known. Now for her left. NOTHING! She can feel touch. But that is all. She can't sit up, she can't eat, she has a ventilator that helps her breath. She NEVER wanted to be like this. She told me and I know my Aunt for sure that if this were to happen to let her go. NOT to hold on. Because what kind of life would it be. Physical help daily. Bathroom help, cleaning help, staring at a ceiling all day every day for years till the time is come to go home. That could be years. My mom is a stubborn woman.
Man I feel like nothing makes sense on this. Oh well thoughts are coming MUST continue. Now has come to the time where she is upset she is still in the hospital on a ventilator, confined to a bed. Is that what she is going to be forever now? For my dad, aunt and I we want to respect her wishes. We would love to send her "home" to be happy, free from pain, sorrows and with a greater respect for life. Now LOL I mean I really, really would love for her left side to work and bam be my mom again. But now, this woman I see, that i visit. Isn't my mom. I mean it is but it isn't and it KILLS me. I mean really who wants to be like that. I for one DO NOT! If I ever have this type of thing done show this to Seth and tell him dang it. Tell your families now what you want done. Tell them how you feel while you are sane, cognitive, honest. Get a living will. Discuss it with your families. I mean EVERYONE! Because right now, right now I am the bad guy among my siblings even my Grandmother that I so dearly love won't talk to me. MY GRANDMOTHER! I love my Grandma and this is just another kick while I am down. Yes I am mad that this happened to my mom. But I am also so proud of her. She has to be one amazing spirit to be here now. But I know she wants to go back. I KNOW this. It is not "well that is what you think." NO I K N O W this.
To my siblings. I love you. I will ALWAYS be here when you need me too. I told mom that if she is ready I am ready to be here for her place. I will do what she would do for anyone. Sick, healthy, sad, happy, babies, cleaning, help, love anything. I'm ready are you? Are you ready to let her be at peace? Honestly when someone is like this ask yourself. How would I be? Would I want to go peacefully? Or would I fight to be here so I can sit and stare at a window, TV, ceiling forever? I do not. I know she does not. I plead with you. Have a softer heart. A heart like moms. I love you.
OK Im done. I cannot even see the dang screen.
1 comment:
Celina knows, I don't want to live like that. When it gets to that point, who is it really helping? The family or mom? Right? If the family isn't ready to let go then they need to stop and think about what mom wants. She doesn't want to suffer. Making her is cruel. My mom and half sister tried everything to keep my grandmother here on Earth. But the reality was, she was here yes, but she was GONE. She lived her life.In her case, she was just plain tired of it all. Drama, fighting, lies, you name it we all had it. When she finally passed and they let me know, I thanked her for everything she'd lived through and I sent my love to Heaven. When my mom died, I was there and I know she's glad we let her go the way she did. I think I veered off track but what I'm trying to say is this. Every one needs to get together and talk about what needs to happen. It's cruel of them to make her suffer. I'm on your side Karla. You can ignore all the previous dribble drabble. It's hard sometimes for Mr to get it out without bunny trails. <3
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