If I..............

Never had my baby sisters? Who would I have become? Where in my life would I be? Would I have been as confidant leaving the hospital as I did the day I brought Ethan home? Would I have been less understanding of Logan's reading disabilities? Would I have ignored the feelings of loving my life?

These two wonderful, Beautiful, confidant, spiritual young women have saved me from so much. Heartache, Feeling lost in a family where people loved me. From feeling like a huge failure to our Heavenly Father. They had freed me from a very selfish life. They are like my daughters. But they are my little baby sisters. I sit here and reflect on my life. (as I often do late at night and kids are all in bed)
Tonight I feel so strongly to write about my little baby sisters.

They came on the last day of school in 1994 May 27th. My mom had been in the hospital many days. I can't recall how many but it was enough to put strain on all of us kids and my dad. I remember my dad trying to call my uncle late at night. And I was so tired to even really think about what was going on. So at like 2 am I called and called my uncle to go to the UVRMC and help with something. Then I zombied back to bed and fell back to sleep.

My dad came in the next morning and said "You are a big sister again!" I looked at him and yawned then I screamed "MOM HAD THE BABIES!!!!!" I was also disappointed that they didn't wait another two months. They were to come on my birthday or around it. I remember asking my dad if I could skip school and come with him to the hospital. He said "NO, mom is really sick and needs her rest. The babies are in NICU and wont be able to see them for a few days." I was heart broken. I wanted to see them.

I went to school excited to tell friends and teachers that my mom just had my baby sisters. I ran to my friends house knocked on her door and I said "My mom had the babies!!!!" We hugged and we went on to school. I then learned the names of my beautiful sisters "Ashley Rose and Ashlynn Bell" I thought the names were beautiful. But very close sounding. We nick named them Ash so no matter who was who they would always respond.

The first few months were hard. They didn't get to come home for a few months. It was hard because not only were they there but mom and dad were always at the hospital. We never felt neglected. But our family was half gone all the time. We had people bringing us meals all the time for weeks. We were grateful but.... Chicken and casseroles were only good half the time.

They finally came home. But they would be in and out of hospitals for months. Their lungs were not quite strong. We would feed them, and they would turn blue. Burp them they would stop breathing. They had heart monitors on for months also.

Since my mom developed a blood clot. Rana and I were "blessed" with the opportunity to get up with them at night while my mom rested. For the most part I didn't mind. BUT I am not a night person. I like my sleep. Seth can vouch for that. But it had taught me a lot about babies waking up a ton at night. And having the joy of only me and them time. I felt like I got to bond with them like mommies do when they feed their babies. I would sing, fall asleep and even get to talk to them about my problems late at night and early in the mornings.

There was one time Ashley was around 1 1/2 close to 2. I was feeling really blue. Feeling like a true and utter failure. Going through a repentance process and it was taking a huge toll on me. I was Holding her and I was standing letting the swamp cooler cool Ashley and I. When she looked at me and said "Kawa, Jesus loves you!" I looked at her and I just cried. I felt like she was saying that from him. I hugged her and just told her "I love him too and I love you also." My heart filled with so much joy I could have burst.

We would also do this routine at night. Ashley and Ashlynn didn't like their beds. So they would crawl into Rana and my beds. I would then proceed to sing songs and they would guess which Disney movie they were from. Then when we were done playing the game they would ask me to continue to sing. Most of the time it was "So this is Love" and "I wanna be like you" I would even do the trumpet with my mouth and they would both giggle. Then Rana being a bed hog (sorry Rana but it's true) Ashlynn would wonder in about 2 or 3 and come into bed with us. Ashley would be sprawled over half of the full bed and Ashlynn and I would be cuddled up on the other half. I think this is the other reason why I never had a Huge problem with kids in my bed.

They have always showed great strength. No matter the problems they were going through they always showed their true colors and were always happy. LOL Reminds me of a time where we had a neighbor girl who was not the nicest. And she would lie quite often. One day (from Cora's story) they were leaving after a fight. And Ashlynn with full confidant said "Well you know where liars go????? They go to HELL!" (sorry for the profanity) But that shows you that they have confidence that whom ever lies will go to Hell. But they were only 3 or 4 and so they really had no idea where that was or really what it meant. But they heard it from scripture or Cora or something like that. I just laugh every time I think of that.

They are very adventurous. One day my mom and I come home. Rana was "watching" the twins. My mom asked "Hey where are the twins?" Rana then looked and said "I dunno.. somewhere" We then proceeded to look through out the house. Then we looked out back. Nothing. Then we found their shoes, then their shirt, pants, panties. ... so somewhere they were completely naked roaming our streets. My mom was terrified. I then hears squeals from a neighbors yard. I went over there and laughing and splashing in the water in their birthday suits were the twins. They were playing in our neighbors arrogation water. I apologized and took them home laughing. Ah the memories.

Sometimes I wish I could have been a better older sister. Gotten to know them better. I moved out when they were just 3 and then got married when they were turning 5. I ache when I think about it. I feel like I missed so much of their lives. But then I think about the times we do get to spend. Not much as I would like to but the times we do. I learn new things. I am glad for the internet and being able to "see" them on facebook, family web sites and now they even have their own blog.

I love getting to know them. More and more each day.
And now they are going to be seniors, going off to college, meeting that Mr. Right and then marrying in the temple and having children of their own. Which I am sure I will be spoiling rotten, filling them with sugar and sending them home at night.

I love my baby sisters!